As winter break is coming to a close and as I reflect on both the short time I spent at “home” in Las Vegas over break (5 days) and the time I have been in Boston (5 months) I have thought about what “home” means.
As a person who lived in the the same 5 mile radius my entire life until coming to law school this is a very disturbing question.
But the more and more I think about it, the more it becomes clear to me that at this very moment in time, I really don’t possess a “home”.
I mean sure I am part of the “BU 1L law community” and I have a furry, sometimes annoying, all the time handsome, part time stylish (you have to see his new winter sweaters courtesy of my older sister) room mate in my dog, and yes we live in an apartment, so I guess these things could be considered ingredients for “home” but they don’t quite feel like “home”.
When I was at “home” for Christmas that didn’t quite feel like “home” either which was very disturbing to me.
Now my “home” …West Las Vegas….
Feels like a place I visit and no longer feels like “home” as it did before I got to Boston.
On the contrary, Boston, the place I “reside” in doesn’t feel like home either.
So as it stands currently, I am a person with out a country (city) or more to the point using “legalese” I feel like I am a person without a domicile.
And because I have never experienced that before I have no idea how I feel about it.
I guess one could say that over time, during the course of my studies and interactions with classmates and through further interaction with all of the inconvenience sites Boston has to offer I will begin to feel more “at home,” but I don’t know if that is true.
I also don’t know how I feel about the shifting sands of emotional appeal that my friendships and relationships from home are experiencing.
I do my best to not allow the process of becoming a lawyer learning to think like a lawyer change my relationships with my friends at home but it seems like it is already doing so.
After all, I spend more time with my friends and or section mates in Boston than I ever spent with my friends back home, and though I attempt to keep in as much contact as possible, i find myself not doing such a good job, because when there is no work to do, no social event to go to, no networking to accomplish, or thing to apply for, i find myself either wanting no interaction with anyone, or interaction that does not require a whole lot of emotional or intellectual energy.
However, in doing so I find myself closing myself off more than I should be which only adds to my temporary feelings of alienation which then complicates my feelings about what it means to be “home”.
I found myself uttering the words, when I get “home” when I was talking to my family about my preparation to leave Vegas and return to Boston and I was shocked at my poor word choice, yet I was astonished that I could not find a better usage of words.
They say home is where the heart is, but at present that is very hard to forecast, my past is Vegas, my present is Boston, and my future is unknown and I am unsure if my heart is cool with any of the locations at the moment.
In truth, this is probably a bigger deal for me than others because I come from a very specific community in a very specific place, and this is my first time leaving it.
That said, I wonder if I ever want to get used to a shifting idea of where “home” is.
There is much of the world that I would love to see, but in doing so I think I would still like to know or rather feel like I am actually returning “home”…once the food is tasted, and the monuments etched in photographs.
There are many books written about the law school experience but I didn’t read a section in any that dealt with this sort of intrinsic battle/growth that one must go through on this journey to learning the law learning to think like those who think they know the law.
As the semester starts I wonder if I will reflect on this as it too comes to an end in a few months…
I wonder if I will feel more “home” or if i will I be more confused as I prepare to begin my Summer job in Boston instead of returning to the bright lights that birth my desire to see and accomplish bigger things.
When my classmates leave, and my friends and family remain where they are…will i feel at “home” with my Summer job, apartment, and fuzzy companion?
I guess time will tell….