At Sanctuary this week we talked about sin and repentance. Now for a group of UU leaning folks that was sort of a shocking topic. Sin and Repentance are words we don’t typically say in my tradition, words that are triggering and carry painful baggage for many of us. Still these were the themes that guided our worship. Jo, who reflected, shared one UU minister’s definition of sin, which really spoke to me. He said, “Sin is willfully acting against one’s own conscience.” When I heard this definition, I was startled and had to let it sink in a bit. When she read this definition, I could feel the flush appear on my face. This is something I know I’m guilty of. I know I’m a good person and that I understand right from wrong, but there are times when I hear my conscience telling me, “That is a terrible idea, STOP!” and I keep going any way.
In my one on one meetings with Soren, we have been talking a little bit about the choices I make and how they can and will affect me now and in my future as I pursue ministry. I know that at this time in my life it’s ok for me to branch out, try new things, and make some mistakes. But, I’m also realizing that I am an important moral resource for myself. That I know what choices are going to end up being positive and making me feel whole, and what choices are going to leave me feeling broken and alone. I know which are the better choices to make, so now I just have to work on actually making them.
This struggle to make healthy, life-affirming choices is an ongoing process. In our service on Wednesday we recognized that as people, sometimes we screw up. If you are comfortable with this language, sometimes we sin. And as we continue on our journeys, no matter how often we stumble, it’s important to forgive ourselves and try again. I am very aware that I fail sometimes, that I willingly disobey my conscience and make bad choices. But I’m also aware that I am important, and loved and filled with the divine. I am grateful for this reminder to always strive to be my best self, but to love myself even when I’m at my worst.