Soren asked me during our one-on-one meeting, “Where have you encountered God over the past few weeks?” After a few seconds of silence, my answer came out slowly, and hesitantly. I did encounter turbulence at the beginning of the beginning of the semester, and responding to it has required a lot of energy. I would certainly consider the past month to be a significant period in my life; however, I’m unsure if I encountered the Divine at all during this time. This is a rather uneasy sentiment to admit to myself since it opens up room for doubt and uncertainty. Isn’t the Divine supposed to always be present with us? Shouldn’t it be a source of comfort for us when we are suffering? I’ve struggled with these questions, but I’ve come no closer to finding satisfying answers to them. So instead, I will relate a few instances of ambiguity over the past few weeks, moments where I may or may not have encountered the Divine.
A few weeks ago, Courtney, Jaimie, Kasey, and I attended a compline service at The Society of Saint John the Evangelist, a monastic community located near Harvard University. When we entered the doors of the community, instantly the space assumed a different quality from the cool night air and the car-filled street we had just left. An deep, utter silence greeted us as we passed through the doors. After we had arrived, a few individuals approached us and greeted us in a friendly, gentle whisper. This reminded me of a blog post written by Jen, one of my fellow Marsh associates last year. She wrote about a passage where God appeared to Elijah not in a wind, an earthquake, or a fire, but in a gentle whisper. A certain peace filled the sanctuary, but I cannot say whether it came from the silence and solitude, or from the gentle whispers of those who were present.
Later, I watched along with a group of students gathered outside one of the dorms as the moon entered a full lunar eclipse. Students huddled over telescopes, shivering slightly and chatting excitedly about when the full eclipse was supposed to begin. Over the course of about half an hour, we witnessed the moon transition from a pale purple to a glowing blood-red. The total eclipse came gradually, and it was never quite clear when it happened. Nevertheless, the excitement and anticipation of the event on that clear and calm night reminded me that sometimes the wait for something rare and breathtaking has a much worth as the experience itself.
The most recent instance came after I had a particularly intense conversation with one of my closest friends. I had related to them two significant events in my life that had happened earlier that day; one filled with hope, and the other filled with grief. After we had finished speaking, a long pause hung in the air before we parted with a hug. I remember the intensity of that moment, when the physical and the emotional met in one long embrace. I remember the uncertainty of which kind of intimacy felt more intense: the physical intimacy of the hug, or the emotional intimacy of opening up to my friend. But above all, I vividly remember the warmth, comfort, and kindness that was present in the gesture.
Ambiguity is a sensation that I have struggled to come to terms with. So often, it leads to more confusion, doubt, and uncertainty than clarity, consistency, and stability. I don’t know if I encountered the Divine in these moments, but I do know that they brought uncertainty with a gentle whisper of comfort. Whether that is from the Divine or elsewhere, I hope to listen for and embrace that still small voice as I continue to encounter ambiguity in my everyday life.