Small moments

I began this semester with a reflection on what loving oneself meant, tying it to the myth of Narcissus and a metaphor a friend once told me. That reflection ended with an intention to redefine this principle for myself, and to apply it to my relationships with those around me. That was in mid-September. It’s been almost three months since then, and the semester has reached a point where classes are almost done and finals have almost begun.

When I set out with this intention at the beginning of the semester, I didn’t have a clear idea of what the process of loving oneself would look like, but I had a sense of what it would involve. This semester exceeded my expectations in these regards, both in its unpredictability and in what it demanded of me. Looking back, it continues to amaze me that despite intense periods of stress, I somehow managed to make it through in one piece.

This semester has taught me that change within oneself doesn’t follow a linear trajectory. During the times when classes, work, and social relationships were a significant source of anxiety, I didn’t wake up one day and suddenly feel better. Nor did the stress consistently disappear over time. Some days were much easier to get through than others; sometimes, single moments would cause the day to shift in mood and energy from bright to gloomy, and vice versa. I can’t identify a single turning point in the semester because there were several instances when life began to change for the better.

Many of these moments were not major breakthroughs, sudden revelations, or great flashes of insight. They weren’t as clear or as striking as the chorus of angels that appeared to the shepherds in their fields, or the bright star that appeared to the Magi in the sky. The transitions from this past semester often came in small things, simple things: an email or a text, a picture, a fragment of a song, a brief conversation, a warm smile, or a kind gesture. These small things allowed me to acknowledge both the challenges and the joys from this semester as valid, and to embrace the fluctuations in daily rhythms that seemed to accompany them. These were the moments that, in the end, allowed me to find love for myself when I wasn’t able to create it on my own.

As I wait until finals and the end of the semester, I am reminded of Advent as a season waiting for a significant event. While I’m not sure if final exams and winter break are comparable to the arrival of Christ in the world, I do know that the periods before them signal a major shift that is looming on the horizon. I also know that being able to love oneself and practice self-care is especially important for dealing with stress in general, let alone the last week of classes and the exams, papers, and projects that accompany them. As we wait for the end of the semester and encounter significant periods in our lives, I invite us to appreciate the smaller moments that we may often overlook, so that we may sustain ourselves through them.

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