I have no idea how these next few days are going to play out. I am currently enrolled in a course on Operating Systems and I have a massive assignment due in a couple of days. It is a very challenging project – at least for me it is – and I thought it would be a good idea to take a moment from the all the madness and write a blog post for this week.
This assignment entails implementing a Shell in C or C++. For some, this probably does not sound challenging, but it definitely is for me.
Realizing this reminds me of a brief conversation I had with a friend just earlier today. He asked me to join a club he is in earlier this semester. As we spoke and as he noticed the extreme stress painted over my face at the idea of implementing a Shell, he mentioned a much harder project he was working on. Slowly the conversation shifted towards the club and he mentioned it might be too much for me, and the time demands and commitments, and how the projects have a high skill curve. Although I believe his intentions are genuinely good (I mean, I have already dropped some extracurricular activities I was a part of in order to allocate just enough time to manage my course work), his last comment on skill curves hit me a little deep as we parted ways and I continued onwards to the dining hall.
It was true though, and what was I thinking? I just dropped out of another extracurricular earlier this week.
I am still a little ashamed that I dropped out of an extracurricular organization. There were many important benefits in joining this organization that would have helped me in developing my leadership roles in SojournBU and potentially as a Marsh Associate. When I dropped out of the position in the organization, I felt defeated.
But sometimes, it is a lovely thing to fail. It is a lovely thing to fail. In the end of this all, I can only look back on my decisions for so long and feel remorse or defeated. But time continues to march on forward, and so must I. The only thing I can do now is embrace my humanity, my failures, and continue living on with them. And perhaps it is okay to retreat. The artist Michael Gungor once said “Burnout is what happens when you try to avoid being human for too long.” I honestly am not the best student, I am not the best computer engineer, I am not the best thinker, or the best writer, or the best student leader, or the best anything.
But that is okay. It is okay. It is okay to not succeed. It is okay to take a hit, to retreat.
Anyways, the fear of failure, of a very bad grade, of potentially harming my future plans and career choices with a very poorly designed Shell is currently stunning me and keeping me from facing this project with every inch of effort I have. I need to let it go. It is okay to take a hit. It is okay. Hopefully I keep this in mind as I return back to my project.