It is right now the end of one week, and the beginning of another week. I sat in the pews and looked up at the Mandala-like stained glass window of Christ for a long moment that felt just a little too brief before going downstairs at Marsh Chapel to grab a bagel and sit down, just for some time. Soon, I was going to travel to Warren to meet a friend for lunch and then work on a microprocessors assignment.
Right now, I feel like I am conducting a series of design experiments. In each experiment, I will find myself tweaking the design a little bit. Other times, I tweak it a lot. The goal of the designs and experiments: a healthy work-life balance and the hope that I am genuinely pursuing the actual things in my existence that truly make me feel alive.
I have been told by my friends that I am a somewhat principled and self-aware individual. But, is it self-awareness or just simply an over-thought anxiety that often defines me? It is one thing to have a plan and be prepared for every situation whilst being aware of oneself, but it is a very different thing to over-think and over-process every instance of information that passes in your life and to process it endlessly, never-ceasing to think about how to make a better decision in the future, or reflecting on whether or not your decisions in the past were perfectly or properly executed.
Is that truly presence? It cannot be truly presence if my thoughts are unceasingly glued to the various social plans I have made in the future, or to my programming assignments that are impending towards me in the next few days, or to the group projects, or to the various functions that I have now been given responsibility in coordinating, or to the simple and warming hope that I can spend time with people I care about and the hope of being able to truly enjoy the company of others. It cannot be presence if I unceasingly process every moment in my past to the point where it ceases to be reflection and becomes regret. It cannot be presence if I unceasingly process every future path my life could take at every instance to the point where it ceases to be planning and becomes anxiety.
At the same time, though, it cannot be completely presence if every moment in my conscious existence is flung at me with such speed that I am no longer moving from moment to moment, but hastily rushing from function to function. I might be telling myself I see what is going on around me, but do I? Do I even need to be perfectly aware of everything around me at every single second? Last semester, I have often had lunch alone in the dining hall, and I often tried to sit alone. Now, I often eat with friends and make a habit of not sitting alone with music playing through my headphones. At some point, however, I found myself more and more exhausted. I wanted, no I needed, to sit alone occasionally and just sit in the music and enjoy a little bit of retreat.
Last winter break, I spent a lot of my time at home applying to various internships and summer job opportunities. I spent hours on end, writing and rewriting essays and letters. I applied to various positions in ministry, teaching, and engineering. I found myself desiring and pursuing those positions in ministry and teaching and I found myself, at the same time, pressured to apply to engineering positions, because apparently if you do not get some internship in engineering as an undergraduate, your future is ruined.
Apparently.
I could not find myself resting often, if at all, when I was home. I kept thinking about my future. At least until half way through the break, when the wise words of a friend of mine hit me very hard, through a few messages (on, hilariously, Snapchat) one evening:
“you’re always under some kind of
stress, or pressure, from school, peers,
work, yourself
literally nothing in nature is growing
or working year round
everything needs a time of rest”
Everything needs a time of rest.
Rest is intentional. Rest is important. Everything needs a time of rest. Our existence has rest embedded in it. God rested. If my work and commitments drive my heart and mind with goals and dreams, and my social life warms my heart and mind with comfort and cheerful friendship, then rest replenishes my heart and mind with refreshment and peace. Perhaps, like existence, I need to intentionally embed moments of rest into my week. That might be the enabling solution in the design that allows it all to come together. Last semester, I wrestled with presence, and I wrestled with balancing priorities in my social life and my pursuit of joy with work. And in it all, I discovered the need for a healthy balance in those regards. Sometimes, it is not irresponsible to choose to have fun and see friends instead of bunkering in and working ceaselessly. In fact, it is a responsible choice, because our brains were not meant to calculate algorithms and solve problems endlessly. What kind of existence would that be, anyways?
But, a social life does not equal rest, and perhaps that’s the discovery and idea that I need to test and then implement into my designs. Perhaps, I need to set aside some time for Sabbath and rest, and specifically only for that. That is what is missing. Rest is an important, and often forgotten, part of living.