Tweaking a Post about Tweaking Vocational Goals

Several months ago, in January, I wrote another blog post the same weekend that I wrote “Granos de Mostaza” but I ended up posting the latter and keeping the former, perhaps saving it for another time. I feel that time is now.

I tweaked it a little and am posting it now because I feel that it is extremely relevant to me at this moment, especially this far into the semester when perseverance is important. It contains some reflections on my degree program. Also, I think my final conclusion to this post is more relevant to other areas of my life right now than ever.

So here is that blog post, with the run on sentences that reflect my nonlinear thinking and everything.

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During my meeting with Soren, I made a statement about myself that both did and did not surprise me: I honestly do not think I want to be an engineer after college.

Now, believe me, I love technology. I love science, and I love applying mathematical and scientific formulas, solving problems, designing systems, and developing algorithms to an extent.

But if I were to really ask myself about my motivations for this career and major, I will admit I feel as though my family pushed me towards this degree. That, and I was convinced that this was what I truly, genuinely wanted.

This semester was the first semester in my entire college career where I genuinely enjoy all my classes (Upon reflection after reading this right now, in March, I can say that I no longer hold this sentiment). I am finished with all of the core curriculum. I am finally able to make what I want of my Computer Engineering degree program. I can take various different electives and choose a focus. As a freshman, I was convinced I wanted to design circuits. As a sophomore, I realized I hated electromagnetism and liked coding, so I decided I’d probably go into software, much to the disappointment of my family. As of now, I really don’t even know if I want to do that either.

I actually had to write down a list of short term, medium term, and long term goals for myself as an assignment for one of my elective courses. As I looked back on them, I noticed that none of them had to explicitly do with engineering.

Engineering is great and I am not unhappy with the place I am in right now. This degree is robust and it allows me to fall into various fields after college – even including business, specifically nonprofit business, and ministry – two fields I genuinely want to fall into. If I can throw technology into there somehow, then that is wonderful. If I cannot do that, I genuinely cannot say I would be unhappy. Ideally there would be some technology involved, but if there wasn’t, that’s okay.

But what makes me feel alive – and yes, I am aware of how cliché Boston University-esque that sounds – is not engineering. It’s not in designing microprocessor directives or systems that I feel alive.

 

No, if I were to look back on the few weeks this semester where I came alive,

it was when a freshman student who also lives in the engineering house asked for advice on his semester schedule, knowing that I was a former advisor,

and I gave him my opinions,

and some advice,

and then I questioned some of the decision making processes that led to his course load,

and why he made strides and caused various conflicts in order to be in those specific classes,

and then we discussed the purpose of our course choices and what we think matters,

and further down the road of this conversation we discussed what was meaningful to us,

and our sentiments towards jobs and time investment,

and our values,

and we discussed whether money is the point,

and the value of community,

and a variety of other ideas,

and at some point he told me he was happy we had this conversation,

and I ended up giving him one of the books from my personal library titled How to be Here by Rob Bell, as I felt it might give him some insight and help his perspective grow a little bit more.

 

It was every time I found myself reading the words of Paul Tillich,

or Martin Luther King Jr.,

or Peter Rollins,

or Donald Miller,

or any of the other thinkers’ and writers’ insights on meaning, identity, and justice that I have read. It was in reading those words that I have felt alive.

 

It was in the conversations I had earlier with my friend at the BU Pub a couple of hours ago,

and how, although he and I have vastly different perspectives, there’s some good in seeing life through other lenses,

where we discussed human nature,

and how it’s absolutely hilarious how quickly many of us – myself oftentimes included – find that we are not living in the present moment,

and we somehow think that, once we achieve this goal, or get in that relationship, or pass this class, only then will we finally be happy,

and whether we should appeal to the better natures of our fellow humans despite the hatred and divisions existing nowadays,

and whether the people we often view as evil might actually have a little good in them that can be awoken as Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn described in the divisions of good and evil being sliced between every individual’s heart,

and whether it’s worth it to try to appeal lovingly to those we often find ourselves against.

It was there that I felt alive.

 

It was in the Sunday service, where I find enjoyment in being a part of wonderful rituals that pull meaning into my life and fuel the light I carry with me in the midst of storms and trials,

and I get to be a part of the community and help in community development,

and I get to read to everyone,

and write a prayer that recites reflections from the Bible and from Carl Sagan,

and, like, it’s my job as an intern. How cool is that?

 

And so, I am fairly certain of a few things regarding goals.

My very messy faith and religious identity drive me and I do want to do something that involves that in the future – whether it’s in a church or a religious nonprofit, who knows? I feel as though I would love to do either.

I also know that I do someday hope to have a loving family of my own and be a loving father.

Other than those two things, I really don’t think I have any large goals, and *gasp* I don’t think I want to be an engineer at least in the traditional sense. And, well, that’s okay.

Even if I have spent the past two and half years attempting to convince myself that’s what I wanted, it’s okay to just now finally realize that I was wrong. Like the many incremental mistakes that Thomas Edison made in inventing the lightbulb, so to can I make many incremental mistakes in finding my way through the messiness of life and inventing and reinventing my goals and ideal future. It’s a fun journey.

And all I had to do was genuinely ask myself what I really wanted and not obsess over what I felt others wanted for me or perhaps what others thought of my decisions.

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