Singing has always been apart of my life. My mom says I started singing long before I started talking. And I remember how I would make up my own little songs and sing them all over my house. My brother would get so mad, because I would use non-sense syllables like ‘dum’ (this was back in the day when ‘dumb’ was a bad word), and I wouldn’t get in trouble for singing them. I had the sort of typical, little girl dream of being a pop star when I grew up. I wanted the stage and the lights, and the Hillary Duff-esque hats. But my singing ended up taking me in a different direction.
By eight, I was singing in church choir. By high school I was part of the audition-only women’s choir and participating in All-District Choir. I loved the music and I was happy singing in choirs, but there was always this part of me that craved the microphone and the backup singers. I wanted to sing for people and have my voice heard. I wanted to be seen, and listened to. Now, my voice has always been pretty good, but the more I heard other people my age who could belt and riff the more insecure I felt about my own voice. The internal monologue started:
“My voice is too shrill and high”
“I guess I’m just better at choral music.”
“Performing is nerve racking anyways, I’ll just be happy singing in choir.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love singing in choir. I love the camaraderie and the harmonies. I love the way 20 or 50 people can make themselves sound like just one voice. But as I let these pieces of insecurity float around in my head, stewing and taking root, I started to lose the confidence I used to have in my own voice. On the very rare occasions that I would sing a solo part in a song at church or at school, the nervousness in my body would betray me. My knees would actually shake underneath me, and the words that came out clear and controlled in rehearsal would shudder and screech.
Since I’ve been part of the music team at Sanctuary, I’ve been given a really amazing gift. Each service our director decides who will sing which songs during the service. And almost every service now, I get a solo part or a duet part. The music is not just choral, but pop and folk, praise and gospel. I feel like I’ve been given my voice back, or maybe the love of my voice back. I have grown so much as a musician, but even more I’ve grown as a person. Being a performer has given me another new layer of confidence. Replacing the quivering betrayals, I feel only joy, pride and gratitude now in my body as I sing.
As I’ve grown my dreams have changed a lot. Little-girl wanna-be-pop-star me would probably have rolled her eyes at my dreams of ordained ministry. And I’m sure there are dreams that I have now, that will seem frivolous to older versions of myself. But, what a blessing it has been to find a place that speaks to all of my dreams; past, present, and future. Music will always be a part of my dreams. It grounds me and comforts me. It fills me with overwhelming joy, and it makes me feel close to the divinity inside myself. And I’m so grateful for people and spaces that let me sing with all of my exuberance. This is my prayer for myself. Dream. Make new dreams. Love yourself. Follow your new dreams, and let yourself make time to live in to your old dreams too. Never stop singing!