I’m feeling all of the feelings right now. I’m tired, and overwhelmed with all of my classes and commitments. I’m so unbelievably excited about graduating soon and applying for Divinity school, and yet I’m a little terrified about this next big step in my life. I’m struggling to keep up with all of things I’ve promised to people, and I’m worried about disappointing people. It’s November, and it’s been over 2 months since I’ve seen my mom or my best friend, so I’m home sick. Basically I’m excited, happy, sleepy, terrified, confused, anxious, joyful, and about 400 other emotions. And all of these feelings are making me doubt myself just a little.
Last night at Sanctuary we sang, Rickie Byars Beckwith’s song We Let It Be. These are the lyrics:
“We let the love wash over us, we let, we let it be”
I’m trying to use them as a mantra for this turbulent time in my life. I know that I’m feeling a lot, and doing a lot. I know that everything that I do right now is important. (That’s a lot of pressure) And I know that people depend on me to do the things I’ve promised. But what I’m trying to remind myself is that more than just depending on me, and needing things from me, and setting expectations for me, there are a lot of people in my life who love me. And as I feel everything; as my mind races around, flitting from one idea to the next, as I make list after list of the things that I need to get done. These people who love me are there unconditionally. That’s what the divine looks like, it’s the unconditional love that surrounds me and reminds me that even when I’m feeling out of control I’m loved. I’m trying so hard to let that love wash over me. As I do everything that I can do. And when I mess up, when I fall short, when I should have written this blog post two days ago and it’s going up right now. I have to let it be. There is a love that surrounds me in the form of my community, and that has always been enough.