Grieving Heartbreak

This week was very long – and yet, I do not recall doing very much this week.

I had one midterm. It took a lot of energy to motivate myself to study for it. It took a lot of energy to sit down and work through the notes and the practice problems. It took a lot of energy to prepare myself to face the exam. But I still tried. I still tried to sum up the courage to work through the problems because the courage is there somewhere inside me. I am not sure if I succeeded.

I was invited to see a movie with my friends from Sojourn last night. It took a lot of energy to motivate myself to go and see the movie. It took way too much energy to be social. Although I am an introvert, I have not felt like an introvert in a looooong, long while. I usually have the courage. There were so many times where I stumbled in my words while talking to my friends and where I would pretty much shut off because I was hearing myself and what was I saying?

I met with different mentors and very close friends all throughout the weekend and early week. Each time, I tried to rationalize my situation. Why? Why did this happen? Where did I go wrong? Did I treat her well? Was it a lack of communication? I tried to attribute logic to my heartbreak. But, at this point, what was logic going to do to help with the pain of a heartbreak? Only time can heal it.

All it takes is time. At the end of the day, all I can do is keep going because there are no other remedies for this. Numbing the pain away will not help. Ibuprofen only numbs the painful symptoms, but it doesn’t cure the fever. I also can’t ignore the pain. It’s there; the pain is real and ignoring it will only prolong the hurting. Fevers do need to be dealt with, after all. Nobody with a fever tends to decide that while having a fever is the perfect time to go skiing or  go ice fishing or do anything really.

It’s incredible how much pain one can feel as the result of another individual, and how the pain makes you feel broken and empty. It feels like a portion of yourself is dying away. It feels like a death of a sort, a death that is as unstoppable and impending as physical death itself. And yet, no amount of bargaining, no amount of denial, no amount of anger or sadness can stop or delay the inevitable. It simply comes crashing down and one must accept that the decision has been made and the heartbreak is real.

It took me a while to fully accept that this is real. In fact, I almost wrote that last sentence as: “It took me a while to fully accept that this is probably real.” Even now, I’m struggling to accept my current state. Heartbreak is a lot to deal with, especially when you spent a quarter of your conscious existence with your love. It hurts, and then it hurts. And you look around for comfort while facing the pain, only to find that a lot of that comfort and security is no longer there. And then it hurts a little bit more.

But at the end of the day, I am not unhappy that it all happened. And by it all, I don’t mean the heartbreak. I mean the relationship: from start to heartbreak. I am thankful to have had such a wonderful person in my life for such a long time. And, I still think romantic love is an incredible thing.

It’s incredible how much comfort, security, and love one can feel as the result of another individual, and how the love makes you feel courageous. It feels like a portion of yourself is stronger. It feels like a portion of yourself is finding new life, a new life shared with another individual. It is a new life that strikes the individual with such strength and surprise that the only reaction is to let go of the damaged armor and to let down one’s guards.

So, while I might feel cynical right now, and I might be grieving a heartbreak, it was all worth it. It was all worth it, and I can only accept and forgive and forget and just simply wait, rest, move on, and let the healing come over time.

And, that is all okay.

Post a Comment

Your email address is never shared. Required fields are marked *