Vocation

I originally wrote a blog post about my “Vibes” playlists. Roughly 1100 words in, I concluded that I did not want to sum up my year that way.

Each playlist was about a different summer Orientation session or week during the summer, or a month of school during the semester. Each five-song playlist contained songs that paid homage to different people and experiences in my life.

I had songs dedicated to friendships, to my former roommates, to my coworkers, to my former girlfriend, and to family. I had songs celebrating successes and grieving failures. I had songs for the ups, and the downs. There were songs for every significant experience last summer.

But the thing is, last summer taught me that every experience is significant. Every person I met came with their own wonderful stories, ideas, and beliefs that they brought with them into our collective human experience.

And it was not just last summer that took my existence and breathed life and spirit into it. This semester also did that.

For me, this semester was one of the greatest semesters I have had so far. This summer was one of the greatest summers I have ever experienced, and this year was actually one of the greatest years of my short life. Yet, it was also one of the worst; this was one of the messiest semesters I have ever had, and last summer was easily one of the messiest summers I have ever experienced.

There were moments of deep meaning, and moments of deep failure.

There were moments of deep meaning in meeting inspiring people from all walks of life last summer, in the late nights watching Bob’s Burgers with friends, and in laughing and working with my fellow Engineering Student Advisors. They were also in the small gifts, like a train whistle labeled “The Hype Train,” and in the acts of kindness from my coworkers that changed the very course of entire Orientation sessions for the better.

There were moments of deep failures and anxieties that I faced throughout Orientation last summer. These moments were in the stresses of realizing that I was missing a student during a session and in struggling to make sure I had something to talk about whenever I was socializing or working. I recall often struggling to muster up the courage to publicly speak.

There were moments of deep failure this semester. I ended up having to drop a class. As I discussed my options with advisors, and with my family, I remember how defeated I felt. It took me a while to finally embrace that I can fail and that I am only human and that I can accept my shortcomings. I also struggled with material in many of my classes and my plans often went wrong. I had to drop time commitments that I genuinely cared about and wanted to try. I also experienced the breakup of a very significant relationship in my life. I experienced the grief. I experienced the intense implosions of several important structures in my life. I saw a TV reality star who played to demagoguery become the president-elect of the country I am proud to be a part of. I saw humanity build more dividing barriers. I saw my general optimism challenged.

And in the midst of all this messiness, I also wrestled and struggled with genuinely being very present as much as possible.

And, I can happily say that I have grown a lot in that regard. I think I have gotten better at regarding the ground below me, the air surrounding me, and the life around me as sacred. I have begun to really learn how to be present, and I have really learned to take off the sandals like Moses, for I am on sacred ground.

There were moments of deep meaning this semester, from the many fun things I had done with my friends, to the many new people I have met, to the heart to heart conversations I had with people in the midst of let downs, pains and failures. There were moments of meaning in sitting around a campfire with Sojourn, and in the heartfelt and wonderful Monday night meetings with the other Marsh interns. I am thankful for the many conversations and discussions I have had this last semester that repeatedly pulled me out of my head and into reality, into life: right here and right now.

I am thankful for the new friendships and the old friendships. I am thankful for the successes and the failures. I am thankful for the life happening around me and the implosions I experienced. I am thankful for the growth and the challenges.

I am thankful for it all because it pulled me into reality. Every moment I felt intense pain over loss reminded me of how impactful we can be towards each other. Each and every one of us – momentary molecular stories made up of atoms and molecules and energy in time – have massive, lasting impacts on each other.

Every moment in which I felt intense pain over failure was a reminder of my humanity. It was a reminder that I need the people around me, that I can only work so hard for so long, and that I am not defined by my successes or failures. It reminded me that, the collection of material and energy that is me – and material is energy – is more than the sum of my successes and failures. A part of the definition of the sum of material and energy that make up an individual includes what the material and energy thinks of oneself and of the world; it includes what the individual sees. It includes how the being interacts with the many, many, many other sums of materials and energies, other beings, on our moat of dust suspended in a sunbeam. It includes the art and stories we make and tell. It includes our cultures, our identities. It includes much, much, much more than just our failures or even our successes. It includes so much more.

And so I am thankful for the people around me, and for all that has brought me to this moment, sitting here in the middle of the Photonic’s Center computer lab, writing a blog post recollecting and summing up my semester before returning to my probability problem set. I accept and embrace it all as I look back: the good and the bad.

And I look forward to seeing where all this messiness goes.