The Onion: Tenth circle added to Dante’s Hell

Corpadverticus: Total Bastards

The Onion rarely fails to deliver… this time it is their excellent twist on Dante’s Inferno which has caught the Core’s attention. All those who remember CC102’s Dantean struggles will appreciate this. Here is an extract:

CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL–After nearly four years of construction at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the new 10th circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday.

“A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years necessitated the expansion of Hell,” inferno spokesperson Antedeus said. “The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound.”

“In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new breed of sinners flooding our gates–downsizing CEOs, focus-group coordinators, telemarketing sales representatives, and vast hordes of pony-tailed entertainment-industry executives rollerblading and talking on miniaturized cell-phones at the same time. But now, we’ve finally got the sort of top-notch Pits of Doom necessary to give such repellent abominations the quality boilings they deserve.”

Among the tortures the Corpadverticus Circle of Total Bastards boasts: the Never-Ending Drive-Thru Bank, the Bottomless Pit of Promotional Tie-In Keychains, and the dreaded Chamber of Emotionally Manipulative Home Shopping Network Products.

His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, a Disney lawyer said: “It’s hell here–there are no executive lounges, I can’t get any decent risotto, and the suit I have to wear is a cheap Brooks Brothers knock-off. I’m beeped every 30 seconds, and there’s no way to return the calls. Plus, I’m being boiled upside down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet. If I could just reach the fax machine on that nearby rock, I could contact some well-placed associates and work something out, but it’s just out of my grasp, and it’s out of ink and constantly blinking the message, ‘Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge.'”

He then resumed screaming in agony.

3 Comments

Richard Marrison posted on March 16, 2020 at 3:19 am

Well. Whoever did this, did justice to “Dante -Divine Comedy” Nice one.

Sue Barkla posted on March 26, 2021 at 6:50 am

Dear one,
If this were a 3D wooden model with little holes and models of sinners on little pegs that you could stick in place or move around as the fancy took you with a few characters such as Trump as optional extras (say about 30cm at widest point), in full technicolour,

I would pay any money for it.

Best Sue

Sue Barkla posted on March 26, 2021 at 7:05 am

I am not entirely joking about this. You could even design a game in which you placed the sinners to try and stop Dante & Virgil sliding down a slope on ball bearings. I was online looking for a model Inferno when I found this. I don’t want to sound political – not just Trump, also Putin, Xi Ping, a Meghan Markle/Queen Eliz II option, etc. I couldn’t afford ANY money but I would pay £500 sterling for a quality item. It mustn’t be fixed, you must be able to play with the sinners as if it were a doll’s house or a Warhammer thing. Know any woodworkers?
You’ve made my day. Sue

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