Vocation

Monday evening I spent my time welcoming the Black Community here at BU back to campus. A good turnout and a good time. I went to sleep excited about the work the Black Student Union could do on campus. Tuesday, I awoke, got myself situated for the day and went to the dining hall to eat my breakfast. Eggs, sausage and a whole wheat bagel, I was having a pretty good start to the day. Then I checked my social media, then I saw Terence Crutcher and that another black man has become a hashtag. For, what feels like the 100th time, my heart broke. I sat there alone contemplating, watching the video and then rewatching the video, searching for answers. There was only one, he was black. The police said he looked like “a bad guy”. Why? Because he was black. Then I realized that I too look like a “bad guy”, why? Because I’m black. The color of my skin allows others to have more privilege than and that I knew. But I was reminded, that it makes me a target. I was reminded right then that I have the upmost respect for Colin Kaepernick. I was reminded that no matter how much I learn and how well I dress of how well I carry myself, to a portion of the United States, I am nothing but someone who looks like a “bad guy”. It just so happens that the portion who sees me a bad guy  are supposed to protect my rights as a citizen of the United States. I finished my breakfast, said a prayer for the Crutcher family and thanked God that he let me see another day. Yes, I’m tired of the hashtags. Yes, I am also tired of protesting every month. And yes I am tired walking pass the police station and not feeling safe. But at this point of time, in this country, I’m just grateful to be tired.

I wrote the above on Tuesday. I thought above leaving it out of my weekly blog. I wanted it to leave my mind, for me to be okay with this reality. I wasn’t. I couldn’t help but question why this has to happen. Why we are living through the reality that we are. Why every other week it’s the same story but a different name. Every time I read more about Terence Crutcher the more I had to fight to hold back tears. He looks just like my father, my best-friends father, and it hit me to close to home very time I thought more about. I searched scriptures about waiting, nothing helped. I searched about pain, nothing spoke to me. I pulled my bible out and searched for answers. I sat alone and hoped it would come to me. A story, a psalm, anything for me to feel something other than what I felt. I went to Proverbs 3: 5-6 and it says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. That’s what I’ll sit with. I think it’s enough for now. I just hope the path straightens soon.