Joe: Being Single on Valentine’s Day

As if being single wasn’t hard enough, the universe just comes along and throws this holiday in your face to remind you of your singlehood. Valentine’s Day is cool and all, but it’s no one’s favorite holiday. We kind of just accept it and wait for it to be over so we can get on to the real fun: Chinese New Year. If you’re like me and haven’t tricked anyone into viewing you as a potential romantic interest, then here are some alternative V-Day plans.


1.    Crying yourself to sleep

Oh come on, like you weren’t going to do this anyway? It’s ok. No one will ever love you as much as that body pillow you spoon with at night and that’s completely ok. I won’t tell if you don’t.

2.    Binge watching romantic comedies on Netflix

If Matthew McConaughey has taught me anything, it’s that a one-dimensional female character will come along and try to force me to move out of my parent’s house and make me grow up. If that doesn’t sound like a typical Valentine’s Day date, then I don’t know what to tell you. (Failure to Launch is still completely relevant even if it did come out almost ten years ago, right?)

3.    Thirdwheeling your coupled friends

Invite your friends over and stare longingly at them until everyone is uncomfortable. Isn’t loneliness fun?

4.    Go to the gym

Statistically speaking, you’ve already met the person you’re going to marry. You might as well do a few push-ups and sit-ups to finally get them to notice you. Then you can ride sidesaddle off into the sunset like the Disney princess you were born to be.

5.    Practice your Black Swan.

Also your Albino Duck, which is a character from one of Tchaikovsky’s lesser known ballets. She’s jilted, but still confident, and really good at Natalie Portman impressions. Also, she doesn’t commit suicide over a dude. So there’s that.

6.    Start a fire.

Remember that Friends episode where the girls were burning pictures of exes and it started a fire and some hot firemen came and ended up being their dates? That might happen. There’s always hope.

7.    Three words: Tinder. Tinder. Tinder.

What your friends and family don’t know won’t hurt them.

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