Alright, kids, why don’t you all take a seat and listen up to the COM Doctor. That’s me – I’m the COM Doctor. It’s about time somebody taught you all some lessons- lessons that I had to learn the hard way. Ya see, back in my day we had to learn how to Internet from scratch. We didn’t have elders like me to teach us how Google, Bing, and Yahoo. In fact, back in the one-room schoolhouse where I earned my GED, just saying any single one of those words would get you sent outside to chop wood, even in -50 degree weather. So stab those straws into your CapriSuns as fast as you can, make sure your light-up Spiderman Skechers are velcroed up, and find a square to sit in on that colorful rug of yours, ‘cause you’re gonna want to pay attention.
NUMBER ONE! If you receive a direct message on Twitter from one of your “acquaintances” that reads something like, “Luk @ dis vid sumbody juz posted of u,” and also has a link attached… DON’T CLICK THE LINK. If you click that link, I can promise you that you will lose a significant amount of your followers on Twitter, that recent friend of yours on Facebook will block you in an instant, and your grandma will be under the impression that you want to sell her Viagra via email.
NUMBER TWO! Clean up that Facebook of yours. Imagine you’re eight years old, it’s your birthday, and you just chowed down on some food from the heavens (a.k.a. some store-bought chocolate cake your mom picked up 17 minutes ago because she forgot to bake you one even though you asked her to a month in advance BUT NEVERMIND THAT), and what happens next? That’s right, your mom comes in with a napkin to wipe away the mountains of chocolate frosting you left on your face. But guess what? There ain’t no magic napkin for Facebook, kids. That’s up to you. So go ahead and delete those Green Day lyrics from your About Me section and let’s call it a day, shall we?
NUMBER THREE! Know your audience! Before you do anything, stick Grandma and Grandpa on that list of people who can’t see your photos ‘cause we both know that any picture of something besides macramé or a heated game of Solitaire could very easily bring on a heart attack. Also, if you’ve got places of future employment and/or internships following you on Twitter, don’t be droppin’ the “f-bomb” like it’s a cat on fire! We’re all guilty of this, let’s be honest. But try to save it for the moments that need it like when you forget which channel Nickelodeon is on.
SO, kids, can anybody tell me one thing they learned from this? No? Nobody? Great. Just don’t be stupid.
Will “The COM Doctor” Dowsett